


Lost in Time

by blazingstar29



Series: One Seccond Too Late [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Arguing, Asexual Eggsy Unwin, Awkward Flirting, BAMF Eggsy Unwin, BAMF Merlin (Kingsman), BAMF Roxy Morton, Burns, Crying, Depression, Dissociation, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fire, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Hurt Eggsy Unwin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Eggsy Unwin, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad with a Happy Ending, Seduction, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Team as Family, Undercover Missions, Vodka, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:53:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24770383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazingstar29/pseuds/blazingstar29
Summary: SEQUEL TO ONE SECCOND TOO LATEOne month on and Eggsy isn't coping. Merlin and Roxy watch from the side lines watching as Eggsy struggles to find himself and his purpose of life again.-Time was a blur and it didn’t feel like it was happening at all.Eggsy knew it, he was lost in time.
Relationships: Brandon (Kingsman) & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Harry Hart | Galahad & Merlin, Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Jamal (Kingsman) & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Merlin & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Roxy Morton | Lancelot & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Ryan (Kingsman) & Gary "Eggsy" Unwin
Series: One Seccond Too Late [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720033
Comments: 14
Kudos: 25





	1. 56 Days Before

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back! It will make sense to read the first book in the series so feel free to check that out :)
> 
> Major trigger warnings for this book so pleasepleasepleaseplease look at the tags and observe them each time a chapter is added as they will update and change. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this sequel :)

Chapter one: 56 Days Before

Eggsy opened his eyes and counted to three.

_One._

Breathe in.

_Two._

Breathe out.

_Three._

On the count of three Eggsy swung his legs out of the bed, they felt like lead. The flat was chilly in the morning but Eggsy made no move to turn on the heating. He headed straight for the shower and turned the tap on. Eggsy sighed.

One month ago, Harry left for Kentucky. One month ago, Harry died. One month ago, Eggsy lost the person who showed him kindness without expectation.

_One month ago, Eggsy lost the man he loved._

Eggsy stepped into the shower, it was cold.

-

Eggsy walked through the tailor shop doors and pasted an amiable smile upon his face. If you looked close enough you saw it didn’t reach his eyes, no one commented. The shop was quiet that day. Maybe Merlin cleared appointments that day, Eggsy hoped he hadn’t done so on purpose. He needed busy right now, Eggsy didn’t want his thoughts right now.

A citizen walked through the doors, Eggsy drew on his smile.

Across the country Roxy and Merlin observed Eggsy, a check in on the young man if you will.

“He’s depressed, Merlin. No amount of give him time to sort his head out will fix that. He needs to get his life back on track,” Roxy said softly.

Merlin breathed deeply, “aye. Yuir right. I’ll try encourage him to meet his friends from the estates again.” Roxy thought about those friends of Eggsy’s. It was obvious he kept a lot of things from them. But they didn’t exactly reach out by the sounds of it, Eggsy says it’s the way it is on the estates.

Sometimes Roxy felt that she and Merlin where the only two watching out for Eggsy. Like a barrier against the cold world. A world that was so much colder than she herself had faced. Eggsy had always been Eggsy vs the world. Roxy had hoped Harry would show him that wasn’t the case. And he had begun to, until he was killed in Kentucky.

Eggsy was watching when Harry was shot. His scream of anguish was heard throughout the floor. That night, not even Merlin held his composure. He sat silent at his desk, unable to comprehend Harry’s death. Percival found him in the money, crusty eyed and shaky. The next problem was finding Eggsy. At some point the man had dissociated. As per usual he went walkabout. It took hours to find him. They found him perched on the roof. He wasn’t looking to jump; it was merely the place his subconscious chose.

Merlin coped, he had learnt to but he also had to. Over the years he had lost many friends, you could not break down every time it happened. So he learnt to grieve, to mourn healthily.

Eggsy did not have that. His father died before grief was a part of his vocabulary. Every now and then someone dropped off around the estates, Eggsy never really knew them. When Michelle was killed, Eggsy was tied to a bed for four days. He was angry but soon he was running scared.

Eggsy got lucky on that one. He was lucky now with the support system around him.

Which, Roxy thought, he so stubbornly ignored. Roxy was broken from her thoughts when Merlin asked if she was okay.

“I’m fine Merlin, just thinking,” she flashed a steady smile.

“Dangerous habit Lancelot,” Merlin commented dryly.

-

It was nearing six when Eggsy finally shut up the shop. A weight had been on his shoulders all day. It made him drag his feet, his smile was a second to late when greeting someone. Eggsy stepped into the cab and nodded tiredly to his driver. The older man smiled gently in the mirror.

Eggsy’s phone buzzed with a message.

**Jamal: ay, want to get a drink sat?**

Eggsy typed back with a yes, he had kept his old friends in the dark for a lot. They knew of Harry’s death, that it was a car accident.

**Eggsy: sure**

**Jamal: cool, got ya mums ashes as well. I loved ya mum eggs but it’s a bit weird with her on the mantle**

That provoked a quirk of a lip from Eggsy. Jamal had a habit of that.

**Eggsy: wow, but thanks m8**

**Jamal: no worries, see ya fri**

**Jamal: Ryan's coming now**

**Jamal: the low life**

**Eggsy: lol**

Eggsy doesn’t think he’s used lol and actually laughed since Harry died.

-

The flat was freezing when Eggsy walked in. He did reach for the thermostat now. He found some frozen soup Roxy had made him and put it in the microwave.

Eggsy thinks its pumpkin but it might be sweet potato. Roxy said it was a surprise and that’s what made it interesting.

Eggsy doesn’t think he likes surprises any more, maybe the soup will be nice. When the microwave beeps Eggsy takes the container out of the machine. It burns his hands, but he doesn’t drop it. One the orange liquid is slopped into a bowl Eggsy goes to the sitting room. Harry would have an aneurism.

The only light comes from the kitchen, for the most part Eggsy sits in the dark. It feels like he’s waiting for someone to turn on the light. Eggsy wonder’s when that will happen. When something will pull him from the darkness. Eggsy would like that surprise. He relishes in the warmth of the bowl before he takes a mouthful. It’s pumpkin and it’s nice.

Eggsy thinks about asking Roxy for the recipe sometime. Once the blue hues of the fading sun disappear into true darkness Eggsy slides the bowl the dishwasher. It only has three cups and two bowls. Eggsy doesn’t eat, the apatite that plagued him on the streets is gone. He’s losing weight and knows Merlin is worried. He’ll intervene at some point, that’s what Merlin does. But he’s looking out for Eggsy, something a lot of people have failed to do.

But the day just seemed to pass and any desire to eat was lost. Eggsy was sure that without his job he would lose his schedule entirely and forget to eat at all. Time was a blur and it didn’t feel like it was happening at all. 

Eggsy knew it, he was lost in time.


	2. 49 Days Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy meets with Jamal and Ryan. It is not a bitter sweet reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> Self harm at the end of the chapter by use of a lighter.

_Previously...._

_Eggsy opened his eyes and counted to three._

_One._

_Breathe in._

_Two._

_Breathe out._

_Three._

_-_

_Eggsy had always been Eggsy vs the world. Roxy had hoped Harry would show him that wasn’t the case. And he had begun to, until he was killed in Kentucky._

-

_Time was a blur and it didn’t feel like it was happening at all._

_Eggsy knew it, he was lost in time._

Chapter 2: 49 Days Before 

Eggsy embraced Ryan and Jamal, the former more carefully for he carried a special package. In his arms was an urn with Michelle Unwin’s ashes. Eggsy stood back with a smile which felt somewhat genuine.

“How long’s it been bruv?” Ryan asked with a smile. He looked down at the urn in his arms then he extended it out to Eggsy. The young man gave him a warm smile and cradled it in his arms.

He looked up uncertainly, “you want to uh, get a pint?” The two young men nodded, and the trio went inside the pub.

It was okay until they all got their drinks and an awkward quiet fell over them. Ryan had stress drunk most of his Guinness and was looking towards the bar.

“So, Dean been bothering you at all?” Jamal asked, Ryan glared at him scandalised.

Eggsy smiled and scratched his neck and with a spare handheld fast to the urn, “uh no. He ain’t going to be bothering no one. Someone took him out.” Jamal deflated and Ryan swore quietly.

“Bloody hell mate, for real?” Eggsy nodded, he knew who ordered the it on Dean. Of course, he did, Jamal and Ryan certainly did not. “Ya know who?” Eggsy shook his head and Ryan narrowed his eyes.

“You’re fucking lying bruv, you know who it is,” he accused. Jamal set his jaw at the looming argument. Ryan turned his eyes on Jamal. “Dean’s fucking screwed everyone over, why can’t we know who got rid of him?”

“He’s dead ain’t that the thing we should take away?” Jamal tried to reason. Ryan was a hot head and Jamal could also see the dark circles on Eggsy’s face. Their friend was flagging not fifteen minutes into the meet up. Something was wrong, they just didn’t know yet.

Ryan glowered, “he’s keeping shit from us, and your just trusting him.”

“Look,” Eggsy snapped. “There’s shit I can’t tell you. Shit I’ve never told you, aight? Why’s dat an issue now?”

“Mate,” Jamal tried to placate the two. “You’ve been off of the radar for months with barley any messages. It’s a bit suss, you get me?” Eggsy eyed his two friends across the table.

“Been working aint I? Getting shit done, tryna build myself back up-”

Ryan turned a shade of dark red, Jamal felt a twinge of hurt in his gut, “so we’re not good enough for ya anymore, is that it?” Ryan snapped. Eggsy paled and back tracked.

“No, no of course not. But I was on the streets doing low shit, needed to get my head out of the basket,” he tried to explain but Ryan was already standing up.

“Your mum died Eggsy. That’s shit, but you went off the radar for months and months. Now your back with a mystery job and some rando bloke who’s been lending you a hand. You tell us nothing, and Dean’s been taken out? Your acting like a prick mate, if don’t get your shit sorted and stop acting like one of those rich twats. I mean look at you, you’re wearing a suit. You didn’t even wear a suit to your mums funeral.” Eggsy stiffened at the last blow.

“There are things I can’t tell you, I can’t tell anyone,” Eggsy whispered, glancing down to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. Jamal rose and stood with Ryan and asked softly.

“Can’t or won’t?”

The pair left the pub silently.

Eggsy sat in the booth for hours, until the last customer was gone and the old man behind the bar told him he had to go.

-

Eggsy dropped his precious cargo at the flat before going back to the shop and taking the Kingsman train to HQ. An angry voice commented his every thought, it second guessed him. Argued and put him down. By the time Eggsy was in HQ he was a ball of anxiety and desperately sought out Merlin.

However when he came into the handler’s room and saw that Merlin was putting an agent through a mission he realised any aid from the man was extremely unlikely. Unable to settle in just Merlin’s presence Eggsy wandered the manor before returning to the train. He was restless and a strange ache was coming over him.

_Good thing you left they don’t want you here._

_Pleb._

_Useless._

_Such a fuck honestly._

_No wonder Dean hit you._

_He was helping you, making you better and you didn’t listen._

The voice was dangerous, Eggsy knew that. It didn’t stop him from listening.

-

Eggsy returned to his cold flat and he relished the way the cold bit nibbled at his bones and his legs newly freed from suit pants. He relished in the way the way his warm feet burned against the cold tile. He dug through his cabinets to find an emergency lighter. One he kept around partly in case for candles and in case he was fell back on a smoke.

Eggsy never planned it for this purpose. His eyes focused on the small flame in the dark room. He stood in his dress shirt and boxers. With scarily steady hands Eggsy dragged the flame along his upper thigh. It burned the soft skin, heat spreading across his leg.

When there was no one around to hurt Eggsy, he’ll just have to hurt himself.

-

Begrudgingly Eggsy cleaned the burn and put a cream on it. He couldn’t risk it becoming infected, couldn’t risk anyone knowing about. His pants would brush against it and prevent it from healing quickly. Eggsy didn’t mind that, the longer it took to heal the more it would be painful in the long run. The skin on his thigh was soft and delicate and would not do well against the flames. The skin was pink and raw, any pressure against inflicted pain.

(Eggsy plastered the cream on with as much force as he could manage.)

His right leg was not as angry but there was an old redness. One that had faded into a rumble in the background. It spoke of times when it was raging red, echoing the chaos from within. The skin was wrinkled, a tell-tale sign of many burns inflicted over time. A time which had long since passed, a time which as of then was reawakened.

Reawakened and very, very dangerous.


	3. 46 Days Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedtied
> 
> Trigger warning for dissociation, minor mentions of self harm and honeypot mission

_Previously..._

_“Can’t or won’t?”_

-

_The voice was dangerous, Eggsy knew that. It didn’t stop him from listening._

_-_

_When there was no one around to hurt Eggsy, he’ll just have to hurt himself._

On a windy day Eggsy was summoned to headquarters, which on its own wasn’t unusual. However, the day before Merlin had come by the shop and worded Eggsy up that he might be required for a domestic mission. Eggsy soon found that domestic was not the word he would use.

“Good morning Excalibur take a seat,” Merlin greeted Eggsy into his office. Eggsy did as told and sat in a chair across from Merlin, supressing the urge to jig his knee. The burn had begun to heal but the fabric of his pants still irritated it.

“What’s all this about eh?” Eggsy asked brashly, losing his Kingsman eloquence.

Merlin smiled and slid across a file, “like I said yesterday, you are in fact required for a mission. When I said it would be rare for you to take a mission, I meant that, I did not believe you would be required for one this soon and unfortunately it is a honey pot.”

_Honeypot,_ the word rattled around Eggsy’s brain. “Oh okay, what have I got to do?”

“In the file is your target and anything you will need to know about them. The mission will take place in the tailor shop. You will need to seduce your target to steal her phone which is confirmed to have information, contacts account information etcetera. Extract it in any way you see fit, at the very least place a tracker. I apologise that you can’t go through the comprehensive training that other agents go through. We can’t risk a,” Merlin paused to think. “A technical approach, we need something a bit raw. I also apologise for putting this on you but you fit the targets…tastes.”

_They’re only using you because you’re a slut. Such a fucking whore, aren’t you?_

“Yeah alright, no worries,” Eggsy choked out. Merlin scrutinised him and Eggsy was sure he could hear the voice in his head.

“You have two hours to prepare, the target is coming into the shop around 2:15, be ready. I’ll be in your ear with you, good luck,” Merlin dismissed him. Eggsy shakily left back for the shop. In the train he began to read the file.

_Lydia Parkin_

_23 Y/O_

_Straight_

_Preferences: Younger men, dominant, humiliating…_

Eggsy put the file down and took a breath. This mission was, it was not going to be fun. He couldn’t do, _he couldn’t do that again._

Eggsy was terrified, well and truly fucking terrified.

-

The shop was empty as required, Eggsy’s co-worker (a Kingsman agent trained as an _actual_ tailor) was gone as well.

_“She’s getting out of her car now, get ready,”_ Merlin spoke in his ear. Eggsy quivered with tension, Lydia would be through the front doors in a matter of moments. “Remember, all you have to do is show a hint of interest and she will respond.” The door opened.

_Show time._

A tall woman with olive skin, dressed to the nines in designer brands approached the counter were Eggsy stood examining stock.

“Hello, I’m here to collect a suit for my… husband,” Lydia said faltering at the word husband. Intentional or not she was defiantly not keen on the marriage.

Eggsy shone an easy smile, “certainly ma’am, name please?”

Lydia smiled lazily feeling the waters for Eggsy’s attraction for which there was none, “Parkin.”

“I’ll get that now.”

Eggsy tried to control his pace to the back room, his heart rate accelerating, he leant against a wall briefly forgetting Merlin’s surveillance.

_“Excalibur what’s wrong?” Merlin asked worriedly through the glasses._

Eggsy’s forced out hair and whispered, “nothing sorry.” He collected suit and brought it out.

“Here we are, love,” Eggsy laid it across the counter and then leaned on it. “Now, I must offer my esteemed customer something to drink.”

Lydia laughed, “oh I shouldn’t. I’ll get you in trouble with your boss.”

Eggsy swallowed and steeled himself to give an Oscar worthy performance of fake attraction to the woman. As sensually as he could he whispered, “it’s just me today. No one needs to know I offered a fair lady something to drink.”

Across the counter Lydia eyed him up before leaning closer and whispers, “hen no one needs to know I accept.” Eggsy smiled and ran a finger along Lydia’s jaw, he wanted to scrub his hands with bleach as soon as he did so.

“All be right back.”

-

Eggsy fetched a bottle of scotch and forced his hands to stop shaking. Merlin noticed and was quite literally getting in his ear.

_“What is wrong Eggsy?”_

“Nothin’ mate, just nerves,” Eggsy dismissed stiffly.

_“You almost have her, just a little bit further to get that phone.”_

Eggsy came back into the shop front to see the blinds closed on the shop windows and the closed sign was firmly displayed. Lydia was lying sultrily on the couch. Eggsy wanted to scream at her _to get off, that Harry had sat there. Harry always sat there when he came to the shop._

“Change of mood eh?” Eggsy joked but his accent slipped. Something passed over Lydia’s eyes. She had her hook.

“Oh, bit of a rough boy hey?”

Eggsy’s skin crawled, he had given her an in to humiliate him. Something she apparently enjoyed massively, “you got me there, haha.”

Eggsy tried to laugh but it was awkward and broken.

“Oh, here’s you drink darling,” Eggsy offered her the glass. Lydia to a sip and set it on a side table. Like lightning she snatched Eggsy’s tie and pulled him onto the couch.

“You’re a bit shy aren’t you,” she purred devilishly. “I like that.” Heat crawled up Eggsy’s neck as she brushed a finger across his lips.

_“The phone is in her bag on the side table, whenever you’re ready,”_ Merlin urged him in his ear. Eggsy forced a giggle and situated himself on the couch. He brushed a hand through is hair in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner.

“Say, I don’t even know your name?”

Lydia laughed, “you can call me Lydia mister.”

Eggsy smiled and leaned in, “well Lydia. This danger is very fun, but if I’m picking up what you are putting down. Maybe we should arrange to do this somewhere that’s not an overstuffed couch?”

Lydia smiled and went to reach for her purse Eggsy panicked, the mission would be a fail if she only just had his number, “ah, ah ah!”Eggsy stopped her, she frowned at him with confusion but he covered quickly.

“I want to send you a message first,” Lydia tilted her head back knowingly. Eggsy dug for his burner phone and Lydia reeled off the number. Eggsy typed in a flirtatious message quickly.

“Now,” Lydia started when she received the message. “I’m not expected by any one for half an hour. I say we make use of this empty shop.”

She reached for Eggsy’s tie and began to lean over him, “let’s see how much of a pleb you can be.” Eggsy’s heat rate picked up which Merlin noticed but stayed silent for a while longer.

“What, what did you have in mind?” Eggsy choked breathlessly.

Lydia smiled and tightened the tie around his neck, “I think you’ve been a bad boy.”

Eggsy huffed a laugh but it sounded like a wheeze, “o-h?” Merlin took this reaction as the time to give Eggsy an out.

_“Eggsy, you’ve got what we need. You can shake her if you need, you want an out?”_ He offered as Lydia tugged Eggsy’s shirt open. A keypad came up on Eggsy glasses and he quickly typed out a _yes._

Lydia was running her hands over Eggsy chest when a gruff voice shouted, “boy! Have you finished taking stock?” It shocked Eggsy let alone Lydia. The two were standing and hurriedly rearranging their clothing when Eggsy realised it was the diversion.

“Shit!” Eggsy hissed regaining his confidence. “The old man’s still here, you need to go!” Eggsy grabbed the suit from the counter and placed it in her hands. Lydia nodded, grabbed her purse and sped and left shop in haste. With the target gone Eggsy felt himself deflate onto the floor. The adrenaline was still high in his blood and he began to shake.

Before he knew it, he was slipping away from reality.

-

As soon as Eggsy stopped responding Merlin abandoned his office and made fast for the shop. All the while thinking of how to make the train faster as too the elevator.

He came out of the fitting room to find Eggsy on the floor.

“Eggsy, lad?” When he didn’t respond again Merlin realised, he was dissociating. With great care he sat beside Eggsy and lean against the shop counter and slowly placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Eggsy,” he rubbed the agent’s shoulder. “You in there, lad?” Slowly Eggsy began to blink away the haze and he turned to see Merlin.

He frowned, “Merlin, what? What are you doin’?”

Merlin continued to rub his shoulder, “you dissociated after the mission. Are you okay?” Eggsy sighed and placed his head in his hands.

“Yeah, just. I, look- just,” the words jumbled out in mess.

“You’re alright, take it easy.”

Eggsy leaned back with shinning eyes and fixated on a suited mannequin, “I know it’s rare like you said. And I want to be useful wherever but please. Please don’t ask me to do that again.”

Guilted invested it’s self in Merlin, he extended his hand around Eggsy’s shoulders, “I’m sorry lad. I promise and I’ll put it on your file so no one else asks you to do that.

"Thank you."

-

When Eggsy returns home that night, he is still shaking. In an attempt to supress the anxiety within he opens a bottle of cheap wine and drinks half of it in one sitting.

It doesn’t take long for his will to break. It doesn’t take him long to reach for the lighter.


	4. 44 Days Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Being human is a condition that requires a little anaesthesia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Chapter summary quote taken from Bohemian Rhapsody 2018
> 
> ******Big trigger warning for depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm*******
> 
> You will be able to skip this chapter and still understand the story. Here is an overview if you don't wish to read the entire chapter but do want to know what happened (taken from the story plan so excuse the roughness):
> 
> Eggsy becomes very drunk one evening and starts talking to Michelles urn.The chapter sees Eggsy go through using ice, to a rubber band until he finally returns to a flame.

Eggsy was never drinker, he rarely finished a pint at the pub. He didn’t drink, it reminded him of Dean. Eggsy made a promise to himself he’d never drink, never let it consume him. Never let it ruin his life, ruin the lives of others.

But that changed. This, Eggsy reasoned, only hurt him. Everyone he cared about was safe from harm with no idea. No idea of what he went through night after night. No idea what he was truly like.

_But they do know, that’s why they don’t do anything. They don’t care about you. They don’t care you burn your skin raw for pleasure._

Now that Eggsy had a healthy income he could afford luxuries such as full-strength vodka. It helped… muffle the pain of living. It was very easy to drink once he started. In the back of his head Eggsy could hear Harry’s words the morning after he got beat up by Dean.

_“Why ever not? Are you hungover or high or both for that matter?!”_

The older man had spat the words with so much disappointment. Even after they had made up Eggsy would still shrivel at the memory. It’s all he had though. Memories of Harry, memories of being held, memories of being accepted.

Memories of being loved. Those memories hurt the most. The vodka made him forget, but when he remembered it hurt just as bad.

Eggsy lay on the couch, eyes focused on the offending urn on the mantel piece. Eggsy chugged a few sips of vodka.

“m’ sorry mum. Shoulda done better,” he slurred before bringing the bottle to his lips again. “just fuckn’ ev’rything up.” Eggsy began to cry into the sofa, great windsucking sobs that hurt his chest. Fat tears rolled down his face as snot quickly made an appearance as it streamed down his nose and on to his face

“I want to be better!” He shouted into the pillow. “I’m going to be better…”

-

Eggsy kept his drunken vow. In the evenings, when it hurt the most, he would do something. In fact, he proved he would do anything.

The first night he uses the cold to his advantage. Winter is setting in which only served to depress Eggsy’s mood further. Winter… winter was not a good time. It was a starting point for everything that had gone wrong in his life.

When Eggsy returns to his flat he goes in and takes of his thick jacket and exterior layers and stands outside for five minutes. Once he’s beyond freezing he goes inside and stands in a hot shower. The hot water on his skin mimics a burning sensation. Eggsy sighs in contentedness. He relishes in the relief that he’s feeling pain without hurting himself. That’s good right that’s the goal?

_To stop hurting yourself?_

-

The next morning Eggsy slipped a clear elastic around his wrist. At any time he felt at a danger to himself he would snap it as hard as he could.

It would cause pain without scarring himself.

_That was the point, right?_

The elastic band worked, it did. Eggsy couldn’t’ believe it. With any inkling of self-destructive habits he just snapped.

_Snap, snap, snap._

And the burn of his skin was satiated.

It worked until it didn’t. When Eggsy tried the same technique the next day the snap had a dulled effect. It just didn’t…work. He tried, he really _tried._ But it just didn’t help. Eggsy frequently switched wrists throughout the day, trying to shock his skin. But the itch, it was stronger.

Eggsy trudged home, the day had disappeared, and he wasn’t sure what he really did in the end. He wasn’t hungry, hadn’t eaten in two days. Eggsy wished his stomach behaved this way on the streets, easily surviving without food. No complaints when the wind nipped his protruding bones.

He reflected that night. A few months ago, he was on top of the world. He had a… a boyfriend. A job, money, food in his fucking stomach. Eggsy was happy. And life did him dirty yet again. It hurt; it really did. He allowed himself to believe that he was getting somewhere in life. He was rising up and, and, and he fell… again.

Harry is dead. Those three words he had not yet uttered aloud for fear of making them real. Harry is dead and there is no pretending he’s not. Jamal and Ryan hate him. They hate him because he’s a terrible friend and a terrible person.

His life was over, and he was in a rut that would last until some bozo took him out for good. But Harry Hart and Kingsman jumpstarted it. Harry kickstarted Eggsy’s heart, it started to beat with warmth and fire and passion and love. And when Harry died, those emotions died with him. Life was never going to be a good mistress to Eggsy, and maybe…maybe he should meet mistress death.

The thought was tantalising. Eggsy was so sure he would die so many times before and now he had nothing to live for. No one would miss him.

_No one would miss you._

_Fucking bitch._

The voice in his head was right.

_Nothing but a fuck, and a bad one at that._

Eggsy was tempted, but he wasn’t there yet. No, this time he reached for the flame. In his bathtub he shed his pants and shirt. With the bottle of vodka in his hand he splashed a tiny bit on his leg and light the flame. The flame danced along his leg with heat and pain as it’s shadow. Eggsy grunted and tried to withstand the pain until he broke and turn the tap on. Cold water came as a relief but in turn Eggsy angered at his weakness. At his inability to with stand the punishment he deserved. 

But he would get better be better. Better wasn’t the elastic bands or the hot shower serving as substitutes. Better was this, better was harsher.

_Better_ , the voice whispered, _was dead._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually quite proud of this chapter. Please leave comments, I love to talk :)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: blazingstar29


	5. 39 Days Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy listens to the voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> OVER DOSE ****  
> ATTEMPTED SUICIDE****
> 
> This is a seriously heavy chapter. Please *do not* read if this triggers you.
> 
> The most triggering content begins here:
> 
> "Calm washed over him for the rest of the day, a contentedness he hadn’t fell in a long time. It would have scared him if he had nothing else to be scared of. He had come full circle. He was ready. "

Roxy was worried. Incredibly worried. She had not seen hair or hide of Eggsy in days, usually they crossed paths even briefly on a daily basis. Eggsy had vanished. Off the radar without a word. There was but one person to go to with these concerns.

-

“I’m as concerned as you are Roxane. Reports from Leon in the shop say he’s falling below standard and it’s not because he’s getting slack. His personality has taken a shift, he’s worried as you and I are.”

That wasn’t quite what Roxy expected from Merlin. She knew the man could worry about his agents but usually he kept it hidden to himself.

“What are you going to do?” She asked.

Merlin replied easily if a bit thoughtful, “I’m going to give him the week off. I don’t believe he can merely keep soldiering on, and nor can I allow him to continue in this state. It will also give him time to meet with the psychologist which I feel he has fallen off track with.”

“And if that doesn’t help?” Roxy’s voice wavered. Merlin sighed deeply and leaned back in his chair.

“We keep trying.”

-

Merlin summoned Eggsy to his office half an hour before the tailor shop became shut to civilians. Wasn’t unusual, Eggsy thought, or so he believed.

“Excalibur,” Merlin greeted. “Take a seat.”

Eggsy sat down, “what can I do for you Merlin?”

Merlin folded his hands, “look Eggsy. What I’m about to say, please don’t take the wrong way. You are a valuable member of Kingsman and the honeypot mission was a big success and break through. But it has come to my attention that you don’t seem to be in a good head space recently.”

Eggsy froze.

_He knows, but don’t think he cares. He’s sacking you because you’re a fuck up._

Eggsy swallowed thickly, “I understand.”

“I’d like you to take this week off, take some time to recuperate and relax. Start fresh next Monday. I’d like to refer you to see Cecilia again however I don’t imagine that if I force you it will be beneficial at all.”

_Oh, that’s not too bad._

_Don’t get comfortable fool, that’s a warning to get your head in the game you are fucking piece of shit._

“Oh, okay, yeah I’ll uh,” Eggsy fumbled for words to fill the silence.

“You’re a good lad, Eggsy. You’ve had a fair share of bullshit to deal with and Harry’s death hasn’t been easy. I hope you find time to talk to someone to get anything of yer chest. You’ve don’t too well for yourself to let any demons get you. Your future is still bright,” Merlin told him honestly. Heat flushed up Eggsy necked as he mumbled a ‘thank you’ and left the office.

It was a tempting suggestion, to go talk to Cecilia. But no one else could know, that’s why he allowed himself to drink.

-

When Eggsy went home that afternoon… he drank. The other whelming thought of having no reason to get out of bed in the morning. A week off could turn into two weeks, into three into four into months and months. It crushed him and pinned him to the couch he lay on. The idea his purpose in life could be stripped from him so easily.

Tears fall down his face like a waterfall, great ugly sobs escape from his lips. And still he drank from the bottle. Eggsy was immune to the taste now, it easily slid down his throat and infected his blood stream. Eggsy continued to cry long into the night as did he drink.

Eventually he succumbed to the drink induced darkness.

-

_“Eggsy darlin, why do you do this to yourself?” A soft voice whispered. Warmth spread across his arm, reminiscent of a familiar touch._

_Eggsy frantically looked through the darkness for the owner, “please! Take me with you!”_

_A phantom hand brushes his cheek, Eggsy cries at the familiar touch._

_“You need to be strong my son…”_

_“No!” He screams into the darkness. Eggsy fights to hold onto the feeling, the feeling of warmth and love before it is ripped away. “Please, take me with you…”_

-

“Mum!” Eggsy screams as he jumps awake from the settee. “No…”

The dream teased him, showed him what he lost. What he was missing the most. The sun was peaking through the blinds of his flat. It was plain, his world turning upside down the moment he could begin to fill it with things he loved. It…it was lonely.

One of the few personal touches he had placed was the list of things good in his life. The paper had begun to age. The list was redundant, Eggsy couldn’t. remember the reasons to be happy. They just weren’t there anymore.

And Harry…

_Harry would be ashamed of you. Such a weak whore. He tried to help you and as soon as he died you throw the towel in and give up. At least do it properly and give up all together, then again maybe your too weak to actually fucking kill yourself. Stop wasting everyone’s time with your cowardice._

Eggsy whispered to himself, “okay, okay.”

-

Calm washed over him for the rest of the day, a contentedness he hadn’t fell in a long time. It would have scared him if he had nothing else to be scared of. He had come full circle. He as ready.

At 1:00 pm Eggsy left the flat and made his way to the local bottle shop. His step didn’t spring but it was certainly not the weighed down gate his colleagues had become familiar. Eggsy was breathing easy, his vision clear. It, it was okay.

_Everything’s going to be okay, you’ve made the right decision._

Eggsy believed the voice, it was looking after him. He trusted it, Eggsy understood now. All the while the voice was looking after him. It was the only one who was always looking after him.

The store attendant barley batted an eye as he scanned the vodka, “big night?”

Eggsy found a smile slide onto his face, “yeah.”

_The night to end all big nights._

-

Eggsy waited until the sunset, he wanted to see it one last time. It was a sense of finality. He sourced every bit of medication in his apartment. He laid it down on the bathroom counter. Nervous energy made him bounce his leg.

_So close, not long now and you will have done everyone a favour._

Eggsy opened the vodka and began to drink, not wanting to drag the process out long he chugged the bottle quickly. Almost immediately the feeling of intoxication washed over him. He grasped the first packet of Panadol and threw the pills into his mouth and took a swig. Everything was moving too fast, he almost forgot to put on his Kingsman glasses to record.

He looked himself square in the mirror and started to record.

“T’ e-ryone. I’m sorry fo’ weighing you down. ‘ve been a cow’rd but that’sa stop now. ‘m gonna go now t’ see m’m,” he raised a bottle to the mirror and took a swig before he went down.

-

Merlin was reviewing a mission report when he got the alert. The red message blinked urgently. Merlin choked when he read it.

**Dangerous vitals: Excalibur**

**Location: Personal Residence**

**LIFE THREATENING CONDITION MEDICAL ATTENTION REQUIRED IMMEDIATLEY**

**LIFE THREATENING CONDITION MEDICAL ATTENTION REQUIRED IMMEDIATLEY**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh.....sorry?


	6. 35 Days Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy unravels his pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wrong when I responded to a comment that the last chapter was the last angsty one. This has some pretty heavy negative self talk and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> unedited*
> 
> The suicidal talk begins here:
> 
> “I’m going to find a nurse to get you checked out whilst you two catch up,” Merlin interrupted Eggsy’s thoughts. But there was something unspoken and it was very clear.
> 
> ‘And then, we talk.’

Merlin dared stray from Eggsy’s bedside as he slept. Guilt was eating him alive as he remembered the last time they were in that situation. Last time Harry was there, with his far better bedside manner. And his ability to know what to do and what to say.

Merlin hadn’t missed Harry as much as he did in those long hours by Eggsy’s side, willing for those green eyes to open even if they were still filled with pain.

“Merlin, take a break.”

Merlin twisted to see Percival leaning against the door frame. The tall man eyed the Scot with scrutiny.

“When he wakes up, he’s going to need you and Roxanne to help him. I’ve finally managed wrangle Roxy into getting some sleep, I hope you don’t provide me with the same defiance?” The agent’s humour was dry enough for the sombre situation, but Merlin still smiled slightly. Merlin stood beside Percival by the door.

“Your right,” He paused to lay a hand on Percival’s shoulder. “If there is any change at all, you tell me.”

“Dragon’s couldn’t stop me from telling you, now get something to eat otherwise you’ll end up like the lad,” Percival pushed Merlin out the door gently. The agent took a seat at Eggsy’s bedside.

“You’ve caused quite a stir Excalibur,” he became to talk to the unconscious man. “Everyone’s quite worried about you. So, if you could do me a favour and wake up in an hour or so it’d be a great help.”

Percival continued to talk idly to fill the silence, “I’ve heard a lot about you Eggsy. You and Hart, I didn’t see that one let me tell you,” he said with mirth. “Always thought Merlin and Harry got their rocks off but turns out I was wrong on that account. Anyway, I know quite a bit about you. I don’t suppose Hart, or the grouch told you about the time they got stuck in Australia because Harry fell down a gulley looking at butterflies?”

-

Merlin fell asleep in Harry’s office. He had yet begun to look for replacements for the position. But with their current Arthur erring on retirement it was more about finding a suitable Arthur than Galahad. In many ways he had been tempted to ask Eggsy, but for multiple accounts he was much more suited running around for everyone in the tailor shop.

The office was still very much...Harry’s. It didn’t hurt to go in there, it was a sanctuary. He felt close to Harry, when he felt that the man’s wisdom could somehow reach him. (Not that he took Harry’s advice when he was alive.)

Merlin has sprawled across Harry’s old leather sofa he was awakened when his glasses, which had fallen down his nose started to buzz with a message. Sitting up with urgency he viewed the message.

**Eggsy’s starting to wake up.**

**-Roxanne**

Merlin abandoned the office with haste and made fast for the elevator.

-

Percival was on his way out when Merlin marched down the corridor.

“He’s been sound asleep, but he responded to Roxanne’s voice when she came in,” the agent reported.

Merlin grasped his forearm as he went to leave, “thank you, for stayin’ with him.” Percival smiled and slapped Merlin’s back good naturedly before moving on. Merlin barged into Eggsy’s room but halted at the door to control his manner. Roxy was kneeling at Eggsy’s bedside stroking his hair and talking quietly.

“You’re going to be alright, Eggs. When you wake up, I’m going to give you the biggest hug, you numpty. We love you so much, s-so much,” her voice broke at the very end. Merlin moved closer quietly and sat in one of the chairs.

Roxy sniffed and took Eggsy’s hand in her own, “I can’t believe I let him get this bad. I should have known.” Merlin placed a hand on her shoulder gently.

“This is not on you lass, Eggsy is situated away from HQ. Unless we were in his pocket it is impossible to know. But we know now, we can help him get better,” he tried to reassure both of them.

At that moment Eggsy made a noise. It was faint and croaky, but it caught the attention of Merlin and Roxy right away.

“You alright their Eggs?” Roxy asked running a hand through his hair.

“‘ox?” Eggsy whispered, his eyes cracking open slightly.

“Hey,” Roxy whispered. “I’m here Eggsy.”

Eggsy was gaining consciousness and rolled his head to face Roxy, “wh’r’ m’ I?”

Roxy hushed him and kept brushing his hair, “just relax Eggs, you’re medical. You’re okay.” Eggsy sighed and closed his eyes, falling back to sleep for a while more.

-

When Eggsy woke again it was morning, Merlin was the only one’s there. There was a clipboard tablet in his hands that he was reading intently. Eggsy was more conscious this time.

“Hey Merls,” he whispered gaining Merlin’s attention. His voice was croaky with disuse.

Merlin smiled and placed the tablet away, “I’ll let you have that one Eggsy. How are you feeling?”

Eggsy shifted as the focus came onto him, “yeah I’m alright.” The door opened and Roxy came through with two mugs, her eyes widened at Eggsy’s consciousness.

She smiled brightly and quickly discarded the mugs on a table, “Eggsy you’re awake!”

“Roxy,” Eggsy held out his arm and Roxy quickly drew to it as Eggsy pulled her in for a hug.

“Don’t scare me like that again, please,” she whispered into his ear. Eggsy felt his heart restrict. He hadn’t succeeded, he failed again. Now he has to face the consequences.

_You can’t do one simple fucking thing._

“I’m going to find a nurse to get you checked out whilst you two catch up,” Merlin interrupted Eggsy’s thoughts. But there was something unspoken and it was very clear.

_‘And then, we talk.’_

-

Eggsy dreaded the time when the nurse finished his vitals, Roxy had stayed the whole time possessively gripping his hand. Merlin had busied himself with Eggsy’s charts. When the nurse left, Roxy placed a kiss on Eggsy’s forehead.

“Scream if you need me,” she said quietly before following the nurse out. Eggsy wanted her to stay, but he knew Merlin wouldn’t get what he wanted if she did. Eggsy didn’t want to tell him anything because there was nothing wrong. But Roxy couldn’t know it all, she was to close, to vulnerable. He couldn’t hurt her.

“There really no easy way to talk about this Eggsy, but we do need to talk. What happened was serious and we can’t deny that. Everyone here wants you to get better, we want the best for you,” Merlin took a breath. “To do that, we need to understand Eggsy, help us understand.” 

_He wants to know your big bad secret so he can exploit it and throw you to the wolves like the useless thing you are._

“Please Eggsy, just tell me what you’re feeling?” Merlin begged. The man felt holy unequipped even though Cecilia had coached him through some techniques. It was likely in the beginning Eggsy would open up to Merlin more likely than to her.

_Go on, don’t disappoint the man. You’ve done that enough, man whore._

Eggsy looked skyward and ground his teeth, an anger chewed on his pain and hurt.

“You want to know how I feel?” He spat angrily. “I just feel like I’m lost in time with no where to go, no one to tell me and I’m stuck in a whirlpool going around and around and around and there’s no lifeguard to save me. I’m going to drown, and no one will know and maybe I want it that way maybe I want to drown because I don’t have any fucking reasons to keep on breathing!” Tears where spilling down his face now, it was coming. Everything he had been bottling up for the past months was coming and there was no stopping it.

“I’m lost in time with nowhere to be. No reason to exist I’m just floating along with my only purpose being to be knocked down every time something fucking good happens in my life!” Eggsy starts to shout, emotions pushing at the floodgates. “I’m only around to get hurt and Dean’s gone. He was trying to teach me a lesson which I’ve only just learnt!”

“So, with no one to hurt me might as well fucking hurt myself, yeah? No one’s going to see the scars, no one’s going to question burns, are they? It was never meant to hurt anyone else! It was only meant to hurt me but look where we are now! I’m just fucking up every single fucking thing.”

Eggsy is sobbing at this point, he drops his head in his hands.

“Nothing I do goes well; I couldn’t even kill myself properly.”

-

On the other side of the door Roxy slides to the floor with a hand over her mouth stifling a gasp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy and I PROMISE that Eggsy's going to get better very soon.
> 
> Please leave comments and kudos :)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr here: blazingstar29


	7. 30 Days Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy starts to heal

Merlin and Cecilia, Eggsy believed, were ganging up on him. Since his…hospitalisation (he couldn’t bring himself to say the word) the pair had implemented ground rules. Eggsy was fucking annoyed. He was moved into a Kingsman room, which was very obviously redone with safety everything. Anything that was deemed a hazard was removed and replaced with _psych ward fixtures._ It would be impossible for him to hang himself on anything. Any candles and matches in the room were removed, any general medication had been transferred to the infirmary. Even the people working in the dining hall had been told not to serve him alcohol. Essentially, it was a glorified child safe room.

And to top it off he wasn’t allowed to leave the manor with out someone with him.

(This was enforced by a facial recognition scanner at _every_ entrance.)

Eggsy was trapped and as a result, he wasn’t cooperating with anyone besides Roxy. It caused his mandatory sessions with Cecilia to fall largely silent.

“Eggsy, you understand why these measures have been taken?” She asked patiently.

Eggsy twisted his face, “because no one trusts me a grown man not to top myself.”

  
“Essentially yes,” she deadpanned. “And you know why we don’t want you to top yourself?”

She asked the question every session and unbeknownst to Eggsy his answer changed every time.

“To drag out my existence so it causes more pain.”

“Because it just causes more paperwork to find a replacement.”

Eventually after several more sessions, it turned to; “because Roxy and Merlin prefer it when I’m alive.” Cecilia smiled at the breakthrough in Eggsy’s thinking.

“And you get why they like it when you are alive?” She asked resting her elbow on the arm rest and crossing her legs at the ankle. Eggsy wasn’t as comfortable. He squirmed in the chair and rotated between leaning forward, leaning back and when it got to hard, he would bring his knees to his chest and bury his face. Now he tucked a foot underneath him.

“Because they like me?” He whispered to the ground.

Cecilia could press further, and with others she would. But it was good fortune that Eggsy had admitted it aloud once to push for twice would be detrimental. On other topics, she could push. The fact that the death of Michelle wasn’t on him was one.

“That’s right Eggsy, they like you. As do I for that matter. Have you talked to any of your old friends, Jamal and the others?”

His head drooped in shame. “I, we… had an argument. I let it slip that Dean was taken out, but I couldn’t tell them who and they weren’t happy and now they hate me,” Eggsy sucked in a wavering breath. “They walked out on me and I couldn’t explain why I couldn’t tell them and they just think I’m a posh twat who’s too good for them.”

Cecilia cocked her head to the side, “and you haven’t spoken to them since?” Eggsy shook his head. “Well, I’d like you to try and reach out to them this week.”

Eggsy looked up horrified but Cecilia’s gave held firm and he soon wilted.

“Right, I think that’s enough for today. Do try to reach out to them, I really don’t think they are angry with you.” Eggsy just smiled weakly before shakily making way for the door when he saw the time. The session had only lasted thirty minutes, and he was _exhausted_.

-

Eggsy ignored Cecilia’s request for three days. He spent as much time with whoever wasn’t busy which invoked curious looks from his companions. Eggsy certainly hadn’t been the most sociable since he was released from the infirmary. But the unfortunate time came when Eggsy was alone. And his resolve broke under Cecilia’s words and his desperation to hear from his old friends again.

After a brief staring contest with his mobile he picked it up and opened up Instagram. Various notifications had piled up. Jamal had even sent him a few memes. Eggsy wasn’t expecting that. He dithered between private messaging, going through a group chat before finally going with a group video chat.

It rang four times before they picked up within seconds of each other.

The three boys stared at each other in a state of surprise.

“Eggsy? I-what?” Ryan stuttered out in shock. Jamal looked tense in his square of the screen.

Eggsy took a breath and began to speak.

“There’s been so much shit going on. And I want to get to the thing at the pub, but I guess I need to tell you guys something,” Ryan and Jamal instantly look alert and Eggsy’s sombre tone. “I’ve been in hospital because I um. I overdosed.”

Jamal’s eyes widened, “you mean?”

Eggsy leaned against the wall, “I tried to…yeah.”

Guilt washed over Ryan as he struggled for words, “the fight at the Prince, did we, I mean did, I wasn’t… ?”

“No!” Eggsy admonished quickly. “No, I…I had a friend. Well I mean he was more than a friend we um…we got together. But he, he died a few months back and I guess I, I tried to be okay but turns out I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay, I’m still not okay but I’m trying to be.”

Ryan looked sick with guilt and there was a ghost of a tear in Jamal’s eyes.

“I think,” Jamal spoke slowly for the first time. “I think you need to start at the beginning, with what you can tell us.”

It hurt, but Eggsy did just that.

(The catch? They understood).

-

The other ground rule was that he was only working in the shop on a Monday and Wednesday. The lack of routine had proven to be the straw that broke the camels back. Between them, Roxy, Merlin and Percival had constructed a routine for Eggsy. To combat his dramatic weight loss one of them would escort and eat with him at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Eggsy for the most part mushed the food around on his plate, his appetite still MIA.

Eggsy’s days were spent between walking the ground with Roxy and her poodle, (attempting) meditation to the background noise of Merlin and talking with Percival in his down time. Recently those conversations had taken a somewhat unexpected turn.

They talked about Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Healing?
> 
> Please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed :)


	8. 15 Days Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy says goodbye.

Eggsy opened his eyes and counted to three.

_One._

Breathe in.

_Two._

Breathe out.

_Three._

It was today. Today was the day Eggsy began to get what Cecilia called ‘closure’. To get it, it meant he had to do some tough things. It meant he had to say goodbye.

Today Eggsy was going to say goodbye to Michelle. Merlin, Roxy and to the man’s disguised surprise Percival had been invited to join Eggsy in spreading Michelle’s ashes at a place of her childhood. Merlin, god bless the man, had cleared their schedules. 

Jamal and Ryan had also been included in the invite. The pair were making their own way down. The location in question was Whitehorse in Uffington and was a two-hour drive from London. Eggsy had compensated for the lack of meat on his bones with a thick woollen coat. The retrieval from the urn was somewhat distressing affair for Eggsy. He had to return to the flat with Roxy. Merlin and Percival waited in the cab down on the road.

It was deathly cold inside. Eggsy crept into the flat like he was trespassing in another man’s home. 

_A man who was ballsy enough to-_

No, Eggsy halted the thought. Not today. The voice was wretched and conniving and whilst it still resided in his head, Eggsy was working on evicting it. It wouldn’t get him today, today wasn’t about that, it wasn’t about him. 

“Merlin and I came here to throw out any food that would perish, I hope that’s alright?” Roxy asks quietly from the space between the kitchen and living room. Eggsy suspected they also threw out his alcohol.

“Na, it’s fine Rox,” he reassured her absently as he collected Michelle’s urn from the mantel piece. “Hey mum, gonna get you to some place nice now.”

Eggsy turned back and smiled weakly at Roxy but noticed the tears in her eyes and sets the urn on a table before quickly coming to her, “hey Rox, what’s wrong?”

She attempts to bat him away, but her attempts are futile when he pulls her in for a hug, “I’m sorry this is meant to be about you today. I’m just getting emotional being here and it’s stupid, honestly.”

“Hey,” Eggsy leans back and grips her shoulders. “No one’s playing the I’m fine card alright. We don’t do that anymore. It’s okay to be upset, last time you were here I was dying…”

It clicked.

_I tried to kill myself and people cared about me. I was going to leave these people behind because I thought that’s what I had to do. All a long I thought it was only going to hurt me but it wasn’t. They…care._

“Eggsy-”

Eggsy ignored her and pulled her close for a fierce hug. He vowed to never let go of these people again.

He understood know.

-

Ryan and Jamal beat them to the white horse. They stood huddled together in their beanies and winter coats from the op-shop and Eggsy felt bad. He felt like a posh twat rubbing it in their faces. After all they’d been through, he couldn’t do that.

And so, despite Roxy’s scandalised looks he shed his winter coat before getting out of the car.

“Eggsy! It’s ten degrees outside and you’re a skeleton put that sodding jacket on right now!” She exclaimed pulling him back into the seat beside her.

“If their gonna be freezing their arses off for me, I might as well return the favour,” he said honestly. Roxy’s eyes softened, it was the same kind of loyalty Roxy had seen him display before when it came to his friends from the estates.

“Okay,” she accepted before shoving off her own thick tweed jacket.

“You two are blinding mad,” Merlin scolded from the back seat with Percival but both men also shed their outer layers. Roxy handed the urn from between her feet to Eggsy. With a final steeling he slid out of the car.

Ryan and Jamal spun around and took in Eggsy with concerned looks.

Jamal spoke first closing the gap and embracing Eggsy, “ma would be having a pink fit with how skinny you are.”

Eggsy squeezed harder, suddenly missing the closeness the friend used to have. A band of brothers fending for their own, fighting the stereotype invested upon them to become something more.

With a free hand he reached behind Jamal and waved at Ryan, “get over here you pillock!” Ryan rolls his eyes but wandered over to join the reunion. They broke up when the car doors began to open behind them.

“Oh yeah um, these are my friends from work. This is Roxy, Merlin’s the one who looks unhappy and Percy,” Merlin looked displeased at his description whilst Percival looked amused at the nickname. Roxy held her hand out to the two boys her shook it dutifully. “I guess we get on with it?”

A sombre mood fell upon the group. Eggsy looked down the hill to see the white chalk horse imbedded onto the hillside. He remembers visiting it once, before Dean was on the scene. It caused him to become thoroughly obsessed with horses for two weeks. With no money to take him to lessons Michelle took him into London to see the carriage horses. The big draft horse had reared up whilst in the carriage and caused quite a stir. Eggsy who didn’t even come up to the bottom of the horse’s stomach was quite put off from the creatures for quite a while.

“This is it mum. This place hasn’t been tarnished for us, so it seems fitting that you stay here. You’ve always been the best; you always tried your best to give me every chance to succeed. I’m sad that, that you couldn’t see me today. Being a, a tailor and all, you woulda been proud, I hope. We went through shit, but we ain’t going through that shit now so that’s a win, I hope. But now, I guess it’s time to move on.”

Eggsy uncapped the urn and threw the ashes to the wind. The blew along the hill and aptly settled over the white horse.

Just like that, it was over.

“Mrs. Unwin was the kindest lady I’ve met. She’d give you a hiding when you’d been a prat but she always opened her heart to every stray kid on the estate that Eggs brought home, she would feed them all even if it meant she went hungry,” Ryan spoke quietly. Unsure of his place amongst Eggsy’s well-dressed friends. But he supressed the defensive feelings he felt arriving. Eggsy leaned against him, showing his gratitude.

Jamal spoke next feeding off of the reassurance that Ryan wasn’t shut down by the posh looking friends of Eggsy’s.

“Mrs. M was a mum. She eyed me when Eggsy dragged me through her front door and told me ‘to sit my ass down and eat a sandwich, what is it with kids turning into rakes around here.’ She knew why we’re all skinny, ain’t no one well fed in their own home on the estates. But the streets fed us like their own and Mrs. M was no exception.”

The group stood in compatible silence for a little while longer. Until the cold was getting to Eggsy and his teeth began to chatter.

“C’mon Eggs, your skin and bones let’s get the warmth back into you,” Roxy suggested laying a hand on Eggsy shoulder. The comment spread reassurance into Jamal that these guys were looking out for Eggsy.

“C’mon mate,” he prompted nudging Eggsy. “We’ll get a drink sometime; you look shot right now.”

They piled back into their cars to head back to London. Eggsy felt a lot calmer knowing his two worlds could interact calmly. That they could slot together and interact without exploding. Because maybe they weren’t that different, maybe, just maybe they could coincide.

Eggsy could not forget from where he came. Whilst Dean ran amuck, destroying everything good everything pure, the Estate’s had been a constant. It wasn’t pure but it was a home when his home was broken. Eggsy hoped that something good could come from the union of his two worlds. Something that would break down barrier and destroy the prejudice, for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was the chapter summary more or less angsty than the actual chapter?
> 
> Please leave comments and kudos is you enjoyed :)


	9. 7 Days Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild description of a panic attack and a brief line of negative self talk at the end of the chapter.
> 
> Unedited*

Healing took time. Some days Eggsy felt bac to square one but today was different. It was his first week starting back at the shop fulltime and it felt _so good_ to be doing something that once made him incredibly happy to be a part of. He wouldn’t look at the couch in the shop front but that’s okay. He was doing alright. He was surviving and right now, that’s all he could ask himself for. On Thursday the tranquillity broke.

It didn’t come crashing down all at once, it chipped away at him. On Eggsy’s lunch break he travelled on the bullet train back to HQ to eat lunch with Roxy, where she told him something that put a crack in his resolve.

“Merlin’s sent out agents to Kentucky,” she told him. Her voice was absent of emotion and anything Eggsy could grab onto to gauge the situation.

All Eggsy could say was, “oh.”

“It’s all very hush hush, I can’t get a read on Merlin. Percival went out with him and he barley spoke to me when I said goodbye.”

_Kentucky’s fairly big right?_

_Anything could have happened…. Just don’t even think about it._

_Maybe they’re going after the guy who-stop Eggsy!_

Roxy watched Eggsy stare down at his food, “oh god I’m sorry I really shouldn’t have said anything. Especially when I don’t know anything.”

Eggsy looked up and put his shop front smile on, “it’s fie Rox, honest.”

_It really wasn’t._

-

Eggsy had begun to cope with Harry’s death in a better way. He’d even gone with Merlin to his old office. It wasn’t easy. He remembered the hours he’d spent just talking to the man he loved. The way he came in after a rough session with Cecilia and lay on the couch and Harry would just know. He would know what happened because Harry knew his timetable like the back of his hand.

Needless to say, Eggsy left the office that first visit in tears, the second not much better. He stepped outside and shut the door. Then came back in ten seconds stood staring at Merlin for another ten seconds and promptly left again. (Merlin found him in the dining hall where someone had found the tearful young man a tub of ice cream.)

On the third visit he stayed even when he began crying. He cried harder than he had since he first found out Harry died. He let it all out whilst Merlin sat beside him rubbing his back. It was the first time Eggsy fully acknowledged Harry’s death. Fully acknowledged that there was a Harry shaped hole in his heart.

His boyfriend died.

His boyfriend died and it took him months to merely _think_ those words. But he did and now he can move on, but he won’t forget.

You can’t forget Harry Hart.

-

The mission to Kentucky weighed heavy on Eggsy’s mind. Withheld him from moving on further. Eggsy was sure that once the agents returned, he could continue to heal.

-

Some days Eggsy felt himself forgetting the important things. There was one moment where he panicked when he couldn’t hear Michelle’s voice in his head. He couldn’t breathe, he just felt overcome with a feeling of absolute terror.

_He couldn’t hear Michelle’s voice._

Eggsy had a panic attack at on Roxy’s doorstep waiting for her to return from a debrief. If he couldn’t remember his mum…he might as well be dead.

_Maybe you should be dead, you failed before, but you can try again hey?_

The voice was back and Eggsy couldn’t breathe.

_Dyingdyingdyingdyingdyingdyingdying_

Roxy came eventually. Eventually felt like to long but slowly the crushing weight on his chest lifted.

“I can’t hear her voice Rox, I-” Eggsy began to panic breathlessly again.

“Eggsy,” she told him sternly. “Give me your phone.”

Shakily Eggsy handed it over, waving his thumb over the lock. Roxy very quickly messaged Jamal and Ryan demanding for any videos of Michelle they have.

Ryan responded first with shaky footage of Eggsy’s birthday. They were singing Happy Birthday but there were clear enough gaps for Eggsy to hear his mum. To remind himself that he wasn’t forgetting, that he would always remember his mum.

The people around him wouldn’t let him forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter to go holy shit.
> 
> Any guesses for what the chapter titles mean?  
> If you enjoyed this please leave kudos and a comment :)


	10. 0 Days Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 11739 
> 
> Wow, I really can't believe I have finished two books. Admittedly short and fanfiction, but two books.   
> Thank you so much to everyone that has been apart of this, I really appreciate it. 
> 
> With out further ado, Chapter Ten: 0 Days Before

Merlin was sick to his stomach. He received contact from Percival this morning and had granted him permission to contact Lancelot amongst overs within the agency. At least those who needed to know ASAP.

His gaze held firm as he rode the bullet train to the shop. Merlin almost regretted his recent speed enhancements. He did not want to do this right now…there just wasn’t any other choice. Merlin owed this to Eggsy, and he couldn’t duck out now because he was frightened to see the after math of what it would do, of what it would cost. To keep it from him could prove fatal. They’d been there before Merlin could only fear what would happen if they went their again.

Had it been any over agent position Merlin would have dismissed Eggsy after his psych evaluation. Maybe because in the back of their minds Harry and Merlin recalled Lee and the favour Kingsman had given his family. Merlin briefly wondered where the medal was now, and why Eggsy or Michelle hesitated to use it. Maybe it was because Eggsy was a good man, a man who could be a good agent had circumstance been different. Regardless, he was a young man with a lot of potential that hard not been guided or given everything it deserved.

That it _needed._

Merlin quickly found Eggsy escorting an MI5 agent up to the round table.

“Excalibur,” Merlin announced his presence. Eggsy looked momentarily startled, he smiled at his escort and waved him on into the room. Merlin went to the door and flipped around the open sign to display 'closed'. “We need to talk, take a seat.”

Merin gestured to the leather couch without thinking. Eggsy shook his head slightly and bounced up onto the counter. Merlin supressed the urge to gently scold the young man…who wasn’t even twenty yet. That was a thought that had rarely crossed his mind.

Eggsy leaned his forearms on his upper thigh but immediately retracted when he felt pressure on his still healing burns. He chose to cross his arms, a defensive but self-soothing position.

“I need you to stay with me through this Eggsy, mentally. And in the after math I can arrange for the rest of the day to be handled for you-”

“Merlin for Christ sake your scaring me,” Eggsy snapped but his face was a picture of anxiety.

Merlin took a breath in, “we have a partnership agency in America. Statesman is our joint agency and we have had very little to do with each other until now. Until we received an encrypted message. As I’m sure Lancelot has told you, a week ago I sent a group of senior agents to Kentucky.”

Eggsy held his breath, his face turns as white as a sheet. His mind squashing every possibility, every hope and fantasy of a happy ending.

He was no longer naïve enough to believe everything had a happy ending. Sickness rolled around his stomach as he tried to imagine a neutral outcome.

“You see Eggsy,” Merlin sounded strained. “They were sent on a sort of retrieval mission. For, well for Harry, he’s alive.”

_Eggsy’s mind shut down._

Merlin saw the shutters come down over Eggsy’s eyes. He crossed from the space from where he was leaning against the table. Eggsy was swaying slightly on the countertop.

“Eggsy, damnit get back out,” Merlin muttered manoeuvring Eggsy off of the counter and onto the floor. There was a tremor to Eggsy’s hands, he couldn’t comprehend the fact that Harry is _alive._ After everything Eggsy had been through trying to _heal and grieve._ The journey he had been on was redundant. He couldn’t comprehend that.

So, he shut down, for nigh on twenty minutes Merlin could not get through to Eggsy in anyway shape or form. Merlin was very much reminded of that night when Eggsy first arrived at the manor. How it had taken hours to coax Eggsy into speaking at acknowledging his surroundings. Looking back on it now Eggsy most likely had been dissociating, overwhelmed at the restraints on his wrists and the sudden landscape change.

Merlin struggled to connect Eggsy back to reality, but eventually he showed signs of resurfacing.

“Merlin,” he whispered, his head lolled to the side as he began to put pieces in his mind together. Tears welled up in Eggsy’s eyes as he began to cry. “He’s….”

“He’s alive and in the midst of returning back to the UK, but we don’t have to talk about that right now.”

Eggsy choked out a short laugh, “there’s no way to avoid this Merlin. He, I, he’s going to be heh-ere an I have to deal with that but I, I don’t I don’t.”

Eggsy dropped his head into his hands and sighed, “I thought everything was going to get better and be okay. And, and! I’d rather much Harry not be dead! I just I,I, it feels like everything is redundant and I can’t I don’t. Why have I gone through all this bullshit for Harry to just be alive! I fucking wanted to die and now the worlds like fuck you, you felt like that for no reason and, and…” Eggsy began to sob brutally, the sobs ran through his lungs painfully.

Merlin slung an arm across Eggsy’s shoulders, the younger man lent against him. A tremble still flickering across his limbs like sparks of electricity. Eggsy burrowed his face into Merlin’s shoulder, seeking something stable now his life had been turned upside down again.

“I just, I,” Eggsy tried to find the words to describe his emotions.

“Easy lad, just take a minute to get your head around it.” And so Eggsy did, for another ten minutes he sat leaning against Merlin. There was a lot he still didn’t understand, not by a long shot. In time he would learn the full story so that he could continue to heal and grow in his role as a Kingsman agent.

“I just…I’ve learnt live without Harry and now…now I have to learn to live with him, Merlin. And I don’t know how to do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, this is just the beginning :)


End file.
